I wish I were white
Disclaimer: I have posted this message across many subreddits because I genuinely want people to challenge my view with hard, undeniable evidence. They haven't been able to do that. All they've been doing is posting feel-good crap which encourages me to follow my desires on this, but doesn't tell my why it isn't wrong.
Perhaps you will be the enlightened person who will make me change my view (which, in itself, would be as revealing, eye-opening, and life-changing to me as it was when I transitioned from Mormonism to atheism) thus alleviating all the guilt I feel for wanting to follow my desires.
My actual confession is at the end, but I think I should put it into context. So, let me give you some background: I'm a 22-year old Mexican guy, living in Mexico, although I am somewhat well-traveled and I generally know what's up with the world.
I love to learn how things work, to reason, and to ponder. I'm very skeptical and I don't usually let emotions get on my way when assessing the truth of things. To illustrate this, I am the only atheist in my family even though I'd like my former religion (Mormonism, the religion I was raised in) to be true.
Now, let's leave that aside for a second and let me tell you a story:
I had some issues with Mexican bureaucracy that prevented me from getting accepted into any High School in the country, so my best chance to study was to go to the U.S., where I had some relatives. In retrospect, it was a brave decision, as I spoke no English at the time.
I arrived in Utah and spent my High School years there. Long story short, I thrived academically in a way that I had never thought possible. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that all I had needed all along was a little (and I mean very little) guidance that neither my parents nor Mexican schools had been able to provide. Soon, I was a fully independent learner, diving into science, literature and Mathematics all by myself. Pretty cool! As you can guess, my High School years were a time of deep introspection.
My inquisitive mind inevitably ended up thinking about the concept of human race. I always suspected (slightly) that the differences between human races were not skin-deep, but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, I did my own research, read a lot of scientific studies, observed people of different races and ethnicities, and suddenly the conclusion that races aren't truly equal seemed inescapable, even though I wanted them to be.
Next, I wanted to know how that knowledge applied to myself. "what is my racial makeup?" I asked myself. I thought about my family members, which look, in general, mostly (and please notice the word "mostly") European, while only one or two look fully European. Still, I am from a country of Mestizos, so it wouldn't be surprising if I had some indigenous blood.
Since I hadn't taken a DNA ancestry test, I didn't have a lot of trustworthy information about it, but, hey!, fun fact: the Mormon church encourages its members to do genealogy, and it has the largest genealogy library in the world, so I didn't need to start from scratch, because my mom had done a lot of genealogy. I looked at my ancestry records and found all my ancestors supposedly traced all the way back to Europe, mostly Southern. BUT I later found out that some important records were altered, so there's a lot of missing information, and some of my relatives have subtle, suspiciously exotic facial features, so I couldn't delude myself: there was a chance that I wasn't completely white, especially when comparing myself to white Utahns. I compared myself to them and I felt pathetic.
Oh, yeah, white Utahns…Let me talk a little bit more about them.
I admire white Utahns. They are some of the most intelligent people I've ever met. They are some of the most valuable manpower in the world. Their home state is very safe and ranks sky-high on human development. Also, they have created a very important tech hub in the area, from scratch, with only two and a half million people. TWO AND A HALF MILLION PEOPLE! Can you imagine that? Not only that, but they look tall, blond, healthy, and plain majestic to me. I'm certainly not exaggerating when I say that I had a MASSIVE crush on every other girl I met there.
I should probably mention that they actually accepted me in their group. This is very significant, because Utah is a place where racism is very much alive. They usually wouldn't give Mexicans the time of the day. They would be superficially nice to them then speak ill behind their backs…but they wouldn't do that to me. I was different and they made it very clear with their attitudes, and those pretty, blonde girls would actually give a damn about me! When I am socializing with white people, I feel an instant chemistry, a bond, a kinship. I rarely feel like an outsider. The interaction just feels very natural, and it is a feeling I rarely get when interacting with people of other races. It's really strange, since I'm technically not part of them. The only other comparable race in this regard are North-East Asians, kind of; and I don't really think it's a cultural thing. My perception is that some patterns of behavior are linked to biology and they become evident if you dig deep enough, regardless of culture. To me, it's like comparing a Pitbull with a Poodle: they can be trained similarly but you can't suppress their biology. Anyway, Utah turned me into a different person, for the better, in every single aspect of my life. Wow! The above wasn't really clear to me until I moved back to Mexico, got my life in order, and enrolled in an Engineering program at a Mexican university. After all, how bad could it be? When I embarked on my intellectual journey about race-related topics, I surely must have been overestimating the differences. Mexicans couldn't be that bad, since all of my best childhood memories took place in Mexico. Right?
Turns out my trust was misplaced. Studying at a Mexican university was one of the most disappointing and eye-opening experiences I've ever had. The education is a joke, the laboratory equipment rarely works even though there is a LOT of money to fix it (yeah, they blatantly steal the money), teachers are extremely condescending to students, leaders artificially inflate student statistics to make the university look good, and students only care about money and have no qualms about cheating their way through life. Also, I got to have the experience of feeling like an alien…again. I mean, Mexicans have been warm to me as they are to everybody, and obviously I'm very familiar with Mexican culture, but I still felt like an alien.
It became even clearer when I spent a year abroad in Europe (did I mention that I got my life in order after living in Utah, making it possible to achieve anything I set my mind to, including going on an exchange?). I got a glimpse of many cool Engineering projects that are being developed there. Once again, I felt like I was truly in contact with my creative side. Once again I felt like people was sane.
I'm back in Mexico again, working on a project to help the country, as agreed when I was awarded the scholarship to study abroad, but I simply can't picture myself living here over the long term. I will get a job abroad and get out of here as soon as I can. It makes me sad that I have to do this. Mexico is an insanely wealthy country; a true goldmine, and I now understand that the real problem are the people who inhabit it.
Now, my actual confession:
I really, REALLY love white girls, especially Caucasian, blonde girls from Northern European stock. Seriously. The sole thought of being in a relationship with one of them (given that we are actually compatible, of course) makes me very happy; and, much to my surprise, I stand a very good chance.
I don't think I'm being superficial. I already told you what I think. If you think I'm being superficial, I suggest you read my thoughts again. I have met many such girls of different cultures (Netherlands, Germany, Norway…both urban and rural) and I stand by my words.
Soon I'm going to take a DNA ancestry test via 23andme, and I'm terrified of the possibility of not being white enough. I don't want to know the results. Now, don't get me wrong. My relatives are all very smart people. They are above-average entrepreneurs, Engineers, doctors, etc., so I have good genes, but if I turned out to have a sizable percentage of non-white in me, I would hate myself for polluting such a fine gene pool, which is already threatened.
That's my secret, and this is probably the only thing where my emotions trump my reasoning, because I want it bad enough.
So, what are your (insightful, preferably) thoughts on this? I really want your honest thoughts. If you'd rather not post your opinion under your real account, I guess you could create a throwaway one.
Submitted July 10, 2017 at 12:14AM by DormantBeast
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